Dear Whoever…, #64

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Dear Whoever Reads My Letters,                                     2.4.’12.

Congratulations are in order because you *points*, have grown in number by three. So let us hear a round of applause for my new subscribers. *applause sounds* Thank you for signing up.

“Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing.” -William Butler Yeats


Dad,                  2/4/’12

          Today sucked. Well it was okay. I got up. We went to church at 9 just Mom and I. Sister’s still kinda sick. Plus she was still sleeping when we left. We went to church and Mom ended up crying. I held her and don’t worry- I’ll take care of her. I always will. We went to Big 5 after to look for ankle guards because the soccer season is starting. They didn’t sell them separately. Nope, so instead Mom and I bought t shirts, 2, one for her and one for me. Then we went to target where I got various things including: dog tie down stakes, a collar for Rocky since he broke his, chapstick, and note cards. Mom bought me a little backpack you’d shake your head at me for with a rueful smile just because it’s so me. It has a raccoon on it! It had cute little button eyes. It’s for next year when I get my fresh start at that new school we talked about. When we got home, I got to work. Pulling on my leather work gloves you bought me for Christmas, I started out behind the shop. Pulling out the sheets of tin that I had piled up after they had blown everywhere, Uncle B parked his trailer on them yesterday. inconsiderate really. I was nearly done putting them back in their pile when Uncle B made his appearance. Nobody informed me of his visit. I had my iPod in and I was singing to it, so I kept on till I was done, pretending I didn’t notice him. You had 2 heavy bricks and a chunk of cement there that you weighted them down with. I used those to do the same and dared the wind to pick them up again.

            Yesterday as I was chasing them around and attempting to compile them,  the wind was still blowing wildly. Damn wind. I was stacking the sheets on the main pile when I was holding some and the wind blew what I had just stacked. I wouldn’t be as mad as I was if I weren’t so stupid and weighted what I had done down as I fetched another sheet. No, I was stupid and didn’t think. That is why I got mad. With myself. Because I was stupid, I didn’t think ahead. And so when the wind blew, it blew the tin and hit me in the head. After that I learned, I weighted down what was stacked so no more would blow away then what had blew, I stacked under a corner of the wood trailer so that I could add them to the main stack today. Plus I couldn’t be gone too long from Uncle B before he came wondering around looking for me. Anywho, he showed up today and we split wood. However this time we didn’t have Luke or Greg so it’s a miracle in itself that Uncle B got the splitter going. He did though. He brought Brooks and Tony with him. We didn’t have much left, it only took about two hours tops. Brooks and Albert were putting some pretty big pieces in the done pile. I wanted to yell at them, tell them to split them again but no, they wouldn’t listen. Brooks might. Uncle B- no, he wouldn’t. Whenever I did say something, he just said he thought it was good sized. We got done. He wrote me a check for my birthday. I put it in a thank you card and left it in his truck today. He called and we talked about it. I cried I ain’t gonna lie. Well anywho, my first soccer game is tomorrow and I have a test first period so I should probably get to bed. I love you. Wish me luck ‘kay. I miss you. I’ll see ya some day alright? So be good and stay out of trouble so you don’t get kicked out before I get there.                                        -Love always, #7(hopefully), eshy,


Dear Whoever…, #63

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Dear Whoever Cares That eshysletters Has Won An Award,                           3.4.’12.

I guess it should say 2012...

  This award comes with a set of questions of which I shall now have to answer.  Favorite Color: I like green, black, and blue. Not too dark of a green but not exactly neon either.

  Favorite Animal: Dogs. I have always loved canines. I’ll admit I like some more than others. Here’s a pic of my lovelies:             

Freckles & Rocky

  Favorite Number: My favorite number is 2 or 22. I also like 3. Then 5 and 7. Come to think of it 2 or 22 is the only even number I like.

Favorite Drink: Water. No, not really. I like Sprite. It’s just always satisfying. However, sometimes nothing quite does the job except good old water. Other favorites include fruit punch Gatorade and cherry Coke.

Facebook or Twitter: Does this mean which one I use or which one I favor? Since I don’t know, I’ll answer both. I have both a Twitter and a Facebook. Currently I favor Twitter just because everyone has a Facebook and it’s getting rather annoying. However, my Twitter I do not know how to work at all but still…not everyone has one. Almost everyone. But still not everyone.

My Passion: Hmmm. Writing, obviously. Soccer. Reading. My animals. Talking. Music<3

Getting or Giving Presents: I like giving personally. It’s just the way I am. I don’t really like recieving something if I haven’t given them anything. It seems just wrong in a way. I dunno how to explain it. It’s almost like I feel I owe someone something if they give me something. So giving. Plus I’d rather smile because I made someone else smile. Then smile because of some new toy I got or something.

Favorite Pattern: What type of question is this? I have a favorite material………….Ummm patterns, let’s see.. I guess I like tire treads, I like rope….I like steel plates like with the raised parts?

Favorite Day of The Week: Any day I get to wake up and breathe another breath.

Favorite Flower: Yellow roses. Why? They were my dad’s favorite. They’re simple and charming but beautiful and breathe-taking. Someone said that President Snow of the Hunger Games ruined roses for them. White roses maybe. But not my charming yellows. Not the one’s that grow outside my window or in my back yard. No. I won’t let some book ruin those for me.

 Thanks to Stacy N. for nominating me. Check out her blog here:

                                                                                    -Sincerly, eshy,

Dear Whoever…, #62

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Dear Whoever,                                   3/2/’12 – 3/4/’12

“A man has always to be busy with his thoughts if anything is to be accomplished.”   -Antonie van Leeuwenhoek

“According to the U.S. Census, the most common reason people give for not voting is that they were too busy or had conflicting work or school schedules.”   -Jeff Miller

“Always gotta keep busy or the voices start telling me to do wild things.”   -Steve Brown

“As busy as I claim to be, I’ve still got the greatest job in the world.”    -Peter Criss

“A charming woman is a busy woman.” -Loretta Young


Dear Daddy,                                 3.2.’12.

        I’ma write you a nice long letter to make up for the days I haven’t written even though I happen to know you hate reading. But before I really dive into what’s been happening these last few days, I figured I’d touch on the quotes I picked and why I picked them because that’s always a little bit of fun on a Friday night instead of going out and doing something….. not that I don’t like staying home because now that you’re gone we’re always out of the house anymore and I just wanna stay home…I’m not used to not being home……anyways…. I chose the first quote because my mind has been pretty busy lately and I’m actually finally getting something accomplished, I’m writing this letter. The second quote I chose, I chose simply because it had something to do with voting and the presidential election is coming up, sometime in the fall I think. The third quote I chose is because I believe it to be true. The fourth quote was picked by myself because… I do have the greatest job in the world….I’m a kid. A teenager. I have the job of being young. Of learning. And that to me, is the greatest job no matter how busy it keeps me, or I claim it keeps me. That brings me to my last quote choice, and if this past week is any indication, I chose it because, I must be one hella charming lady. You should be mighty proud right about now. I tried to build up to that, I was hoping for a chuckle or a smirk. I think I might have earned a little one if you were still around to read this. Of course if you were here I wouldn’t write you a letter, I wouldn’t speak, I’d simply curl up near you with my head on your chest.

           To get through all this and still make sense, I should pick up where I left off last time right? Well last time I left off was a week ago almost. I left off on the 25th. Dylan’s birthday party. So let’s continue onto the 26th. I might be on this day awhile. The morning started early, waking up at 5am. We loaded everything into the car, and then waited around for Mendy. Mendy stopped by Del Taco and picked up food. When she showed we didn’t waste time. They ate and we left. Mom driving, Mendy shotgun, Mendy’s daughter and Sister on my sides in the backseat. We drove Mom’s car. We found Kris’ cross after 2 hours of driving, a stop at a gas station to relieve ourselves and stock up on snacks and drinks, and 2 false starts down 2 wrong dirt roads. It was warm that day. They paved the road that the cross sits off of ya know? The last time we went there was 4 years ago in 2008. The cross was rusted on the west side. We got right to work after stepping out of the car. Sister set about clearing the tumbleweeds with the skinny shovel we brought, Mendy’s daughter helped with her. Mendy and I put on the 2 pairs of gloves we had and pulled out the scraggly, hard weeds that had grown up through the rocks piled at the base of the cross. Mom broke out the camera(shocker there huh?). After that we removed the rocks and Mendy and I set about spraypainting it white. Plaque and all. Admittedly, Mendy did pretty much all of it but only because I got stuck with an old half-full can of spray paint that you had in the shop or wherever Mom had found it. Then we spray painted a little angel stake thing that someone had left there among the rocks to rust away just like the cross itself. As we waited for the cross to dry, we sang happy birthday to Kris which is endearing and weird at the same time. Who sings happy birthday to a dead person? Apparently, I do. Then we ate cupcakes that we made and brought. After that Sister and Mendy used the little black car-paint-scratch-fixer-paint brush to paint in the words on the plaque. It was really hard. I did a few like the I and 2 and A. Did I already write about this? This sounds so familiar. If so, I’m sorry. My mind is rather scattered lately. I blame it on being busy. Then after we let those dry, Mom had some pics of Kris laminated and ready. We taped those on right under the plaque, the spray paint was still a little wet which helped it stick. Then we used packing tape and sealed it off. For good measure, we ziptied them too. Then Mom had brought one of the memorial paper things from your service. She had laminated that one the night before too. We had a debate between the 4 of us of where to put yours, what place would it stay best, what side to flip up. We ended up putting it under Kris’ pictures. Taped and ziptied, with the picture laden covers showing out. Then we arranged the flake flower vines we had bought and ziptied them to the cross beam of the cross. They don’t cover his name. It was a vine of cardboard or chipboard, with fake white flowers intertwined. Then we had some fake yellow roses, ya know whose favorite flowers those are? Yours. That’s right. We did the house up with them for your service too. We spaced them out and they stand out mighty fine against the green and white. Ziptied those on as well. Then we took no fewer then 50….thousand(it seemed like anyways) pictures, even stopping a lady and a man going by to take one of all of us. We drove away then. Just as the bees were finding what they thought were nectar filled roses. How deceiving fake flowers can be. Then we were driving and someone came up with the idea to go visit Uncle C while we were already up there, plus Aunt C had some of Mom’s bowls. They have 6 little Yorkies now. All females but the 1 male, the daddy of them all. And they still got those two big red Aussies outside as well. I’m sorry to say it but Uncle C don’t look to good and he’s getting sorta batty. He’s still really funny and somewhat smart but I worry about him. He walks with a walker. The walker doesn’t make it through most of the doorways. And he can’t walk without it. He almost fell just standing without it. He was only awake for about an hour when we were there and then he had to go to sleep before we even left. We went home after that.

             The 27th went by without much exciting happening. My friends were bugging me about my birthday. I did you proud and told them I wanted nothing, expecting nothing, needed nothing.

             The 28th well that’s when a lot happened. I couldn’t tell you what I wore that day but I remember getting ready in the morning. Mom put a present, a bag, on the kitchen counter. I pretended to not notice it as I went on with my routine. I snagged the card though, when Mom wasn’t looking and tucked it into my school folder along with the 3 other cards/letters I recieved in the mail. Then an ad came on the tv for IHOP advertising their giving away a free shortstack of pancakes in honor of National Pancake Day. I personally felt a little sick to my stomach already and didn’t want pancakes but Sister had a test first period and had a sudden craving. So we went we ordered our stuff, we ate. Sister and I went to school and Mom went home. Then I get to school all late and there are balloons and signs taped to my locker. I may not have a ton of friends, but the few I have are worth it. I get my books and go to the last 20minutes of second period. Then in passing period. I am surprised my a handmade card from Friend B, a fancy looking store bought cupcake complete with a bow from Friend I, a bag of random candy from Friend M. And a giant hug from friend J and an apology and excuse(she didn’t wanna make me mad but she made the sign for my locker). It was nice. Not too much but enough where I felt special. During school Andrew and his friends sang to me as I came out of 5th period. It was really nice. They are good kids. Andrew also picked me up and swung me around in the middle of the hallway. I love him. As a friend. Calm down. After school Sister drove me to the other campus where I had soccer tryouts and then she went back to the highschool and went to math help while I did my passion, my soccer. She waited on me the last hour of tryouts and I think I did pretty good. It was tiring though. When we got home, Mom wanted to leave and take me to Vince’s. However, I smelled. I was sweaty. I was extremely tired. And in all honesty- I just wanted to sleep and stay home. These pictures are what I saw in the kitchen as soon as I came through the door.

                             So this is what I saw. Mom made me a checkered cake but she didn’t put it together. The cupcakes were just from the extra batter. I took a shower, got yelled at for taking to long, and then as we got in the car I invited Mendy and her family. It was last minute so they couldn’t, understandably. Mom and Sister argued the whole way there, I cried silently, and then I pretended to fall asleep with my ipod on low. We stopped at the AT&T store to get kim’s phone fixed. Mom went in and yelled because we were going to late and Kim came back into the car, in a more bitter mood then she left it. I pretended to sleep again. We showed up fifteen minutes late, as usual. Aunt 1 was there with her boyfriend. We got a table. We ordered. I coughed a lot. I was sick but now I’m better. Aunt 1 was on Sister for being on her phone and Sister and I were sour. I was quiet and I couldn’t listen to my music. I swear Aunt 1 had drank before she came because she was really mean to Sister, and riding her the whole time. Aunt 1, Boyfriend 1, and Mom chatted. I only spoke when someone talked to me directly. Sister talked even less. At one point, Aunt 1 took me down towards the shop part of Vince’s and we looked at shirts. It was for my birthday because she hadn’t got me anything, not that I needed anything. Aunt 1 was a real pain to the poor lady, I felt bad. I always do. You know that. We ended buying a yellow shirt with their emblem on it. Back to the table. Dinner passed. I was sung Happy Birthday to. And Aunt messed that up to. Then Mom made me open my present. A bag that I pretended I didn’t see sitting on the kitchen counter this morning. I got a dress, a sweater, a Snoopy t-shirt, and some more pajama pants. After that we went back to AT&T where Sister got her phone fixed. Then Sister convinced Mom to go to the mall because she had to get a skirt for a presentation for school. We then spent two or three hours in two stores. I got three pairs of socks for .99 cents each and Mom wouldn’t let me buy them. Kim got spoiled as usual. After that we went home with more bickering on the way. We got home and slept.

          On the 29th, we went to school and Sister ended up getting sick and leaving early, without telling me. I skipped soccer tryouts that day. We went to the lawyer who wrote up your trust. No surprise, I was irritated with him, with his kind. I restrained myself from saying anything I shouldn’t have though(Be proud). Mom’s cousin went with us. Uncles A & B didn’t though. They should have. We got home after and then Mom invited her cousin over later for the checkered cake she made, and then she invited Mendy over and her family. Only my Twin came with her later that night. It was good. And then we played a couple rounds of The Mexican Train Game and they left as it was a Wednesday. During the game, I took care of Sister. This is when she really started getting sick and vomiting. Oh, don’t worry. I took care of our baby. Even if she is older than me, she’ll always be my baby sister. I’m used to people throwing up, I took care of you and you were so so much worse. It was never your fault though, so feel no guilt. That was all she wrote for that night. Oh, P.S. I do think I cried on the 28th. For you. I do miss you ya know. And I love you more than you could ever understand. I was and I am a mini version of you.

       Nothing really happened on March 1st except for soccer practice and I waited at the Donut Shop for Mom to pick me up since Sister hadn’t went to school and didn’t feel well enough to drive me. March 2nd was pretty interesting. It’s a Friday so I got out early as usual. I had soccer practice, I didn’t go. Because back in January I made a commitment first. So I went to school, did that whole boring thing. I wore the dress and sweater Mom had got me and Sister’s boots. I looked good, I ain’t gonna lie. And you’d be amazed at how much your little girl has grown up. After school, I went to the multipurpose room and took my seat at the Poetic Expressions thing. I’d be saying the poem that I said at your memorial. It was a whole month since I last said it and I was a little rusty but those words are burned forever in mind like they have been the last 10 years since Kris died. I was second to last. I said my piece. I said it well. I didn’t trip, didn’t use a prompt, didn’t tear up till the last stanza. My voice broke but not completely. People from my class were there. I didn’t want to look a fool. I didn’t want them to see me weak. I sat down. I cried silently as the next person went up and ended the show. I got a slice of muffin as soon as it was after and left. After all, nobody was there to hug me and tell me I did amazing. Nobody was there to hug me tight as the tears rolled down. I got my bag and left. I got dressed in the bathroom. Into my soccer garb and walked down to the other campus. There was twenty minutes left when I got there and I played all of them. After, I left, walked up the street to the cross walk, which wasn’t smart considering there was a closer light and I had went the long way. By now it was three pm. I walked to Taco Bell and bought cinnamon twists. I sat down and pulled out my folder and began coloring. Just filling in squares of my graph paper with my Sharpies. I called Mom and let her know where I was at. I would have to wait there for the next 2 hours till she got off work and could pick me up. I know you disapprove of me staying by myself somewhere in this world with all the nuts around but what was I to do? Then about an hour later, Mom called to tell me that her friend from work would be picking me up and taking me to Mom’s work. She did. I gave her my last two cinnamon twists in thanks. When I got to Mom’s work, I changed back into my dress in the bathroom, considering soccer shorts, a PE shirt, high socks, and little casual boots didn’t really go well together. I then waited another hour for Mom to get off. We went home.

                  March 3rd, ((I’m almost caught up)) was yesterday technically but who gives a damn? Excuse me. Anyways, I got up at a quarter to 6. I began putting clothes away in my room. I got most of them done when Uncle B showed up with his bobcat and Tony. We would be splitting wood today. I miss it. I think I miss it simply because you taught me how to, and it was one of our things. Something the women folk (AKA Mom and Sister) didn’t do. Even though I’m a female as well, I could work, I liked it, I liked being out there in the dust, heaving logs about, working the handle. Luke and Greg showed up about 10. The conditions were absolutely horrible. The wind was going and blowing the dirt around. My eyes felt like sandpaper by the time we were done. Tony just watched in the beginning because he was out of his element. He’s a fast learner, I’ll give him that. It took forever to get the splitter going because Uncle B had no idea how to, neither did I in all honesty, you always started it up. Greg got it going however and I the conveyor. The conveyor crapped out not too long into it and Greg and Luke got it fixed. It broke again later on and nobody could fix it. You could but you’re not here. You don’t know how much I wished I would’ve learned how to before you left. Wished I had paid a little more attention to you fixing it before. But before I had nothing to worry about. I’d have you forever. How young and foolish was I? How ignorant? Very. We split a good bit but I didn’t do any of it. Uncle B and Luke made me run the handle, which I was going to do already because I was going to be a b***h and pull the ‘I’m in charge’ card. But I still thought I’d be helping with the actual splitting. Nope. Instead I stood there for 5 hours and raised and lowered my left hand just barely, watching everybody’s fingers and making sure none of them got cut off. We had a few close calls. I think they made me run the handle because if I was to get hurt, they couldn’t live with theirselves. Like they owe it to you to keep me out of harm’s way the best they can. We got through most of the wood by 3:30. Only a little remained. Everything we split we had to hand throw and then Uncle B on his little toy of a bobcat pushed it into the pile. He really is like a little kid on that thing. He almost crushed Luke and knocked Tony out. I didn’t talk. Didn’t raise my voice hardly. God I wanted to but it was so dry and who would listen if I did? That was pretty much all I did yesterday. Well Mom and I watched a cooking movie. It inspired me. Then she told me to put in another movie that we had bought her for Christmas. P.S. I Love You. That’s what it was called. I feel sick because I chose it. I didn’t know what it was about though. I cried towards the end. Mom got up for most of it and didn’t really watch it. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t force myself through that pain. But I watched it. And did it ever remind me of you. Well of you leaving and us dealing with it. It reminded me of the memories, the fights, the flashbacks, the love that we had. The love that we have. I feel bad that I turned it on though. Because in the movie the husband dies from a brain tumor and poor Mom. It would just suck to be in her place and watch that movie. It sucked enough being in my place and watching it. Anywho, it’s nearly 1am of March 4th so I best be getting to bed before I’m not gonna wanna get up tomorrow.                      -I’ll write soon, eshy,

P.S. I will always love you.

P.P.S. One last thing:


I just thought you should get to see it in it’s glory. I love you. I love both of you. Be good now and don’t get kicked out before I get there.

Dear Whoever…, #55


Dear Whoever Still Reads My Blog After My Latest Vanishing Act,                                                                                    2/17/’12

“Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.”  -Gary Zukav

“For your born writer, nothing is so healing as the realization that he has come upon the right word.”  -Catherine Drinker Bowen

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”  -Hippocrates

        I know I haven’t posted in what 2-3 months. I’ve been dealing with stuff you can’t even begin to imagine. I’m not healing yet. I’m just thinking of the idea and wondering how long it will be till I can get there and begin the healing process. Anywho, because of a suggestion from someone, I’ll be on a little more often I hope. It won’t be the same. Nothing ever is after a change. But I’ll have some semi-regular posts hopefully in there too. However to be more specific, the suggestion was to write letters to someone specifically, through my letters you’ll know who it is, or you’ll try to figure it out I suppose. They’ll be inside a regular post with their own sub-header. The person whom I am writing these to, doesn’t know and doesn’t probably care. I don’t really know what will be in them though. I guess that will depend on the day. I don’t care if you comment on them but understand these are more for me than for you. These are for me so that I might take a step(or a leap) towards healing. Without further ado.


Dear Dad,      2.17.12

       The birds will always sing. That’s what I thought today as the hospice counselor came and talked to us. I was staring at my bracelet, feeling the little bird over with my thumb. The birds will always sing in the morning, even after a storm. They’ll always have their songs. The birds are kinda like people I guess. But people don’t often realize the beauty of the morning, instead they grunt because they have to get up, when so many others don’t get up. I got up this morning to the counselor. I like him better than that female one I’ve been seeing. They’re giving me the option of switching to this one as my main shrink but you know how I am with change. That’s the problem actually, you knew me better than anybody else. Now you’re gone and that leaves me alone and therefore, misunderstood. I’d like to tell you that people aren’t forgetting you already, but they are. Uncle A and Uncle B aren’t being the best with helping us. They stress us out a lot. We got the houses and shop rekeyed. Uncles A & B want to sell everything you owned without mine or Mom’s or Sister’s input. I think that’s a jerk move but they don’t care. I got my ingrown ripped out and that acid put in again, two weeks after you left. Soccer tryouts are next week ya know? I remember when I was nervous about volleyball tryouts and when I told you I had made the team all you said was “I figured you would”. I’m nervous but I don’t think that many good people are trying out. There isn’t that many returners. I’ll have to take off your bracelet, I know you understand. I’ve been sleeping on your side of Mom’s bed. It’s weird. I wish I had some of your clothes that smell like you but you didn’t wear any regular clothes the last few months. I wish I still had you. I wish I could go back and be little again. I wish you could catch me one more time. I wish you could hold me tight. I wish your breath was on my neck at night. I wish you were here watching a race or Bonanza. I wish you didn’t have to go through the pain that you did. I wish that you and Brother are together again finally. I wish I didn’t have to be responsible for the stuff that I am now. But if wishes were fishes even beggars would eat. The house is quiet. Too quiet. Sister went to a basketball game. Mom’s outside. Brother went to your service ya know? I think he’s playing mind games. I haven’t worked on your book that I promised you. I’m entering a writing contest though. We’re gonna go visit the cross soon probably on Brother’s birthday or mine. I wish you were here to tease me about my age too. I’ma go to the park now, ‘kay? To practice for soccer since I didn’t keep up that running program I said I was gonna do. Hope you’re okay and loving the life you have now. Hope you’re healed and happy. I’m gonna make you proud and smile okay? I’ma try my best. I love you forever. -Love, eshy,


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