Dear Whoever Knows That Every Girl Thinks About Her Wedding At Least Once, If Not From Time To Time,     3-26-2012

“A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.” -Joesph Addison

“A wedding is like a funeral, except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

“I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well.” -Oliver Goldsmith

Sorry for not posting very recently. I’ve been writing posts but they’re drafts and my computer is stupid and doesn’t show me my drafts. They look like they were typed in white font. Therefore, I’ve just been saving them till I can get to a library computer and post them all.

I have a plan, don’t worry. This has just been bouncing around in my head for awhile now because for some reason I’ve been thinking of my wedding a lot more lately then usual. It’s not because I’m approaching the age most people are getting married. I’m far from there believe me. No. I’ve been thinking of it because of something else which brings me to the next part of this post.

10

Dad,    3.26.12

I have a game today so I have to leave soon so I’ll try to hit what I want to say with few words. I cried for you last night. It was completely out of the blue. It just hit me. The fact I’ll never see your smile again. Or hear your jokes. Or listen to you tease me. Never hold me close again. Never ask me what’s the matter ever again. That I was alone. Without you. This isn’t exactly a new revalation for me but the way it hit me it might as well have been. It seemed so fresh. And even though I knew it was coming for years, it didn’t help. I thought about what it’d be like after you died, before you died. Then I thought how much I had underestimated. I thought I could be prepared but I never could have been. It’s impossible to be prepared for that sort of thing. I’ll never hear you chatising me again. I’ll never get one of those rueful looks or I’ll never be in on any of your little jokes again. Like the one where you told Mom we were getting 30more ducks and they’d be arriving tomorrow when she was at work, ain’t that right eshy? And I’d lie and add to the story and we’d keep it spinning. Those make me smile and sting my eyes at the same time when I look back on the ones I remember. Last night I also realized that my worst fear came true. I am forgetting you. Just like Kris. Although I tried my hardest to burn you into my memory. I’m forgetting a little of what you look like even though I’m exactly the same. I’m forgetting some of the memories with you and that made me cry the most last night. I knew before you died that you wouldn’t make it to my highschool graduation, or college, or my graduation in the military, if I choose that road, and my wedding. It always stung then but now it stings worse. It’s bad. It’s really painful. Almost like that one time I had that needle through my toe and you had to hold me down, but it’s worse then that.

I think I’ll have Sister as my maid of honor, she’ll be wearing blue. As will I. It’ll bring out our eyes that we inherited from you. Jeff D., your friend, and Lisa stopped by yesterday. It got me thinking as I have been ever since your memorial service, about who’s gonna walk me down the aisle because I know you won’t be able to. I thought of Jim B. I thought about Denny. I thought about Jeff. He’s been weird since you died. Different a little. Quieter. His little partner in mischief isn’t here to back his jokes or talk engines with him or talk about the old workplace with. I feel bad for him because he misses you. It’s obvious. I think I want Danny Whitt Danny Whitt to walk me down the aisle. I’ve always liked him. He’s been really good to you. He’s been good to us. Remember when we got the truck stuck last year on our last shooting expadition, and we called him and he helped us out. He’s offering to take me shooting again and I want to, I do. But it’s to fresh. Your death is too fresh even almost three months later.

I hope you’re at my wedding. Or at least looking down on it. Since you’re not gonna be there, who’s gonna try to talk me out of it? That was to evoke a rueful smile. I’d give anything to see your smile again. Just thinking of how I never will, I’m tearing up. Anywho, Dad, I better get on with getting ready cause I’ve got to leave soon. I love you. And I miss you a ton. Oh, one more thing. The Sister and Mom are spending a ton since you’ve gone. I think it’s to fill the void, I’m trying to warn them to stop but they don’t listen much to me. Mom’s been kinda reckless. It scares me. I don’t feel safe around anyone anymore without knowing you’re not here to back me up. I’ve been having haunted thoughts of that voicemail you left me 3 years ago on my first day of school at that new school. You said you hoped I had a good day and if I didn’t then it’d get better with time. To keep my chin up. And that you loved me. And you were sorry that you couldn’t be there and that you wished you were to pick me up from school. And it makes me sob. I cry a lot when I think of anything to deal with you, if ya haven’t noticed. I know you wouldn’t want me to but I can’t help it. I know crying isn’t gonna make the pain go away. It’s not gonna do anything. But it’s reflex now. But now I’m just making excuses, trying to prolong saying goodbye-again.

I got a new shrink. Rememeber I told you first that I was thinking about doing counciling and I told you why I was apprehensive? I do. But I got a new one and I like her alot better. I guess that’s the last bit of news I have. I’m on the soccer team if you didn’t gather that from me saying that I have games and practice all the time now. I remember telling you with much excitement that I made the volleyball team and you didn’t look suprised at all and said “I figured you would.” I wish you could see one of my games. I’ve got a very responsible spot. Right in front of our goalie. We’ve lost every game so far but we’re doing better then last year. I’m team captain you know. I hate it. I don’t get to do anything special but call the coin in the air and pick what side. Now I really have to get ready. My friend’s gonna show up cause we gotta take her to the game. With love, eshy,

 

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